I Feel Like I’m Being Watched

I’m such a dork.  Twice already this morning I’ve startled myself by turning around to look through the window outside, only to stare right into the soulless eyes of the ghoul hanging from the tree just outside.

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Just Keep Swimming

Difficult advice to adhere to when I feel like I’m sinking fast.  I’m sure the shorter hours of daylight has something to do with it, but yesterday I sank like a stone.  The test I was supposed to be at is this coming Saturday, and I think the reality of how long I’ll probably be out hit me hard yesterday.  Thankfully, I had my PT evaluation today, and I start therapy tomorrow, at least in some way.  I’m actually looking forward to the time when the tenderness is mild enough that they can massage my ankle and do the ultrasound therapy.  It’s the best thing about PT in my opinion.

I skipped class last night.  Well, I wasn’t going to participate anyway, but I was going to be there for my daughters.  Except since I didn’t go, they didn’t go.  And neither did my husband.  I think yesterday he and I both had the same general malaise.  He’s going to take them to class tonight, but I’m still not sure I’m going to go.  On one hand, I want to stay in the environment so I know what I’m missing and I have motivation to get back when I’m healed.  On the other hand, it’s painful sitting there, not being able to participate in the way I want.  It’s becoming increasingly difficult to keep a positive attitude going.

Surely some of you are thinking “Geez woman, get over it, it’s only a sprain”.  And in some ways you are right, but I have never in my life hurt myself the way I did two weeks ago.  I’m also not as young as I used to be.  The other sprains I’ve had in the past, bah, they were but a little ankle tweaking.  Something I could totally walk on less than a week later.  Just today I can almost walk with a semi-normal gait, even though I’m not really supposed to, so that’s progress.  But because I want to make sure I don’t destroy my ankle again in the future, I’m trying to follow orders and give it time to heal.  The PT explained it nicely.  She said I need to give the fibers time to heal so they can heal all aligned, which will make the ligament just as strong as it was before.  If I push it too hard and the fibers heal criss-crossed, it will cause that area of the ligament to become more inflexible and more susceptable to future injury.  She also told me to expect the swelling for a few more weeks.

My foot was swollen enough already by noon (and I was a bad girl this morning, hobbling around and up and down the stairs a lot), that when she let go after grabbing my foot to test flexibility, the indentations from her fingers remained.  Not cool.

Gah, enough about that, I’m obsessing already.

In an effort not to be the ankle injury blog 24/7, I’m going to attempt to bring a little bit of personal blogging into this here blog.  Some of you know that I had a blog for a few years (Psychobabble), and I recently closed that one down.  I had felt that I no longer needed that outlet.  And maybe I don’t, but I still like keeping in touch with people using the blog.  I’ve made a lot of virtual friends in the past few years, and I don’t want to bore them by being a one note blog.  I also have a book blog (one entry – HA!), a photo blog, and a fiber blog (knitting/spinning stuff).  I’m still going to keep them, but I will also cross post a lot of that content here, mostly just to post regularly, and also for variety.

Even my hairdresser knows that I get bored easily.  I’ve never had the same hairstyle/color twice.  I’ll do my best to tag and categorize my posts in such a way that they are easy to find by topic, should any of you not want to hear about anything other than martial arts.  Or my whining about my ankle.

Ooooh, Pretty Colors!

I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to show off the impressive bruise on my ankle. Mind you, the bruise is already a week old and still sporting the lovely purple/blue color. Notice that you can’t even see the ankle on that side. Normally I have knobby ankles, but the sprain has temporarily obliterated them.

Horked Ankle

A Small Measure of Relief

At the doc’s today, I got the results of my MRI. I did not break my ankle (there was much rejoicing!), but on top of the sprain I did bruise my talus bone. I need to go look up which one that is….

Ok, that’s the main ankle bone that the lower leg bones sit on top of. Doc seemed rather amazed that I didn’t fracture it. He said between the severity of the sprain and the deep edema I have, I must have put a lot of energy into whatever I did to injure myself. Next week I’m starting physical therapy, mostly just to get back to being able to put weight on that ankle, and eventually ramp up to stability exercises.

I saw some scary stuff while Googling the talus bone, so I quit while I was ahead. I really don’t need to be any more neurotic about my injury. As it is, I’m gun-shy so to speak. I can’t imagine getting back to the activity level I was at before toasting my ankle. I’m doing my best to take things one day at a time. It’s actually a good thing that my kids are in TKD, because I get to be in the academy, and I can actually help out a bit. Tonight for instance, Grandmaster had me working with a white belt who is testing next week and with a young brown belt on her poomsae sequence. It felt really good to be able to help and be involved, and I actually enjoyed it without the pressure of having to work on my own stuff. I was supposed to test this month, but I’m thinking next month is more likely, if not maybe a smidge over optimistic. Plus, I’m not sure that foot will be up to board breaking anytime soon. I may have to work out an alternative. If I do a hand or elbow break, what are the chances that I’ll be seeing my orthopedist about an injured hand or elbow?

I’m supposed to limit my weight bearing to “with crutches” and I’m trying really really hard, but I suck at it. Especially when I’m home. It just seems easier to hobble ten feet than to wrestle with the crutches. And have you ever tried to carry a plate and use crutches at the same time? No? It’s totally impossible unless I had the grace to be able to balance it on my head. Hmmm, if I had that grace I probably wouldn’t be needing crutches in the first place.

Deja Vu All Over Again

Doctor scheduled me for an MRI tonight to rule out ankle/foot fracture. During the appointment he noticed that my ankle is totally loose….no surprise there, but there was also some tenderness where it usually indicates a fracture. So I get to lay in a tube for half an hour today to see if there is something there that didn’t show on the x-ray. And I’m back on crutches until my follow-up Thursday afternoon. I can’t find the words to express my deep and profound joy at being put back on crutches. I know they serve a purpose, and heaven forbid I have a fracture, it should keep me from making it worse.

That being said, if anyone noticed the um…….unusual grace with which I carry myself on a day to day basis, they wouldn’t necessarily be recommending crutches for me. Doc gave me an awesome boot/brace thing that gives me total stability, so I don’t have to worry about winding up on my ass if I lean the wrong way. But that is only for occasional weight bearing. Adding to the awesomeness is that it’s my driving foot. It’s not keeping me from driving, of course, but I worry about having to stop short and two-footing the brake pedal.

Update will occur on Thursday afternoon when I hear the final verdict diagnosis.

Rolling, Rolling, Rolling

Was in class tonight doing tornado kicks and was actually doing really well, when suddenly I wobbled on a landing and next thing I know, my foot rolls under me and I hit the ground. My ankle immediately swelled up like a golf ball and I’m stunned. I swear it happened in slow motion, I could see what was coming and couldn’t do a damned thing to prevent it. The kids and my husband finished up class while I elevated my ankle and put ice on it, and then we high-tailed it to the emergency room. The doctor was worried that I could have broken by tibia (fibula? I can’t remember which one he mentioned), so I was off for x-rays.

Thank goodness it isn’t broken. It is a severe sprain though and I’ve been instructed to use crutches for a week and limit activity for a while so the ligament can heal. I’m supposed to test this month on the 25th. Either that’s going to happen with some limitations imposed on me, or I’m going to have to put it off a month. That pisses me off more than anything. I was doing so well, and I feel like I’ve improved a hell of a lot in the past month or so, and now I need to back off to heal…..again. Not only that, but I get gun shy when it comes to my ankles. Thankfully, it’s not the one that was bothering me a few months ago, and it’s also not the foot that I normally land on, which makes it puzzling as to how I rolled it. I think it was going into the tornado kick, I must have overturned or leaned a little bit to far when I was turning and threw my balance off. There’s no other time my weight was on that foot, since it’s the foot that I usually kick with (my right).

Tomorrow I call my sports doctor and will probably wind up going through therapy….again. Unfortunately, it’s my driving foot, so I’m not sure how I’m going to manage when I need to get my kids to their activities as well. I’m sure my husband and I will be able to work something out. I’m going to take it as a sign that I need to slow down a bit. Staying in the Tae Kwon Do environment is a priority for me though, so I’m going to try to do something at the dojang, even if it is just standing there and doing the hand and arm movements to my poomsae or my applications. Shoes for martial arts might be in my future as well. Given that my flat feet already cause enough foot pain to be distracting, the extra support they give might be the best thing for me. As soon as the swelling and pain is gone I’m going to try some out and hopefully I can find some that work for me. Until then, I’m sitting on the sidelines.

*sigh*

I am a Warrior!

Had what we call boot camp over the weekend. It’s a requirement for those of us that are planning on getting our black belt in the next year (I’m planning on testing October 2009). I don’t want to go into to many specifics, except that it was very much like a self-help seminar, led by Grandmaster. I did get to climb and jump off a 30 foot pole and there was some hands-free rebar bending involved as well. At first, I wasn’t so sure I got much out of the weekend. Then something changed. Something subtle. I barely noticed it until I was asked to stand in front of class and talk about the weekend and I noticed something. I wasn’t nervous. At all. Usually I’m fighting a flop sweat and stammering and stumbling all over myself. Today I actually felt taller. I’m not of course, but I’m walking a little taller than usual. My performance in the dojang improved (except for sparring, that I still suck at). And Grandmaster sent a few pictures he took of us over the weekend, and I look relaxed! The biggest change I’ve noticed is that no longer do I just think about wanting to be a better person and taking better care of myself, but I’m actually doing it. The lack of specifics is frustrating, I know, but it’s the nature of the beast. It’s kind of like, if I try to explain, the magic disappears.

The running is going well too. Since I started last week, I’ve already increased the amount of time I’m running compared to walking, and I’ve reduced my time from a 13 minute mile, to a 11.5 minute mile. I’m sure I’ll get even quicker as I get stronger.

I now leave you with a thought to ponder in your moment of Zen:

Donald Duck’s middle name is Fauntleroy.

Wait, that’s not it. Here it is, a wonderfully apropos (at least to me) Note from the Universe I received the other day:

Amy, it’s high time that you step forward to claim and demand whatever it is that you want from life.

Just remember though, the gate keeper who will give it to you is the same gate keeper who has kept it from you… your gorgeous self.

Basically, I think the Universe is telling me that I need to get out of my own damn way.